southsamurai

Well, generally, the answer is a no. Nails and intestines do not mix well, and once you’re past the anus, that’s what you’re dealing with.

It isn’t impossible to modify the nails to be less risky, but never to the degree that I’d be willing to have them up my rear, even if I was into that. There’s reasons that nurses and nurse’s assistants are often expected to keep their nails short, and that’s one of them. We don’t go wrist deep, and it’s still too big a risk.

Way I see it, you have two options. One is to cut them back to where they don’t extend past the end of the fingers, then use two nitrile gloves over your hand that’s doing the work. You can still keep pretty nails like that, they just won’t be as showy

The other is to take the risk, and wrap the nails in something like gauze, then tape them, then glove up. I’ve heard of people doing that with no injury, but it is still risky.

If you can’t/won’t do either of those, call it done and get a fist dildo.

Man, I tell ya, working as plumber in this city is hard.

You’re shoving yourself into and out of tight, wet places. Your tools take a real beating. And there’s always someone riding you to get the job done.

And you get ridiculous calls unrelated to the job. Just this afternoon, some poor lady called from inside her dryer. She’d gotten “stuck” in there. I swear, early onset dementia like that is sad to see. Not only could she have gotten herself out, she kept calling me step-brother!

Which was almost as bad as this one lady right before I got done for the day. Calls from under a bed, and my boss sends me out! I said, “dammit, Jim I’m a plumber not a search and rescue team.”

Anyways, I get there and she’s all wanting me to shove her deeper, and harder. I’m thinking, lady, you gotta be nuts, if I go any harder, I’m throwing my back out. And I’m not your damn stepson.

But you know me, I ain’t leaving until the pipe is laid. I go at it like there’s no tomorrow. By the end of it, we’re both sweaty and sticky, and she’s just dripping.

I tell ya, this job ain’t for wimps. You gotta be able to handle anything that comes at you. You gotta be able to shove the pipe into some dirty, nasty holes and bang around all damn day long.

Fwiw, that’s not a rare issue. Usually, hrt doses and varieties being altered either fixes or reduces the difficulty.

Mind you, you didn’t mention any surgical outcomes, so the above assumes there haven’t been any that would affect the genitals. Otherwise, it’s a way more complex situation. Hrt adjustment would still be the most probable fix, but it could be something structural as well or instead of. Which could still be the case, even if it hadn’t been a problem before because there can be changes over time post genital surgeries.

You mentioned having a doctor’s appointment soon, so I don’t doubt that you’ll find resolution eventually.

Being real, this is pretty much the only form of piracy I don’t support.

But, yeah, you’re just not finding them. I know a couple of people that prefer a less polished erotic material, including the range of body types that can loosely be called average.

They have said that there’s no good way to search for it, so you have to go for “amateur” and sift through results.

Part of that though, is that anyone trying to earn money off OF are going to polish their product. Great cameras are expensive, but good makeup and lighting aren’t, and they go a long way to presenting a person at their best rather than just whatever a random selfie might achieve. So, as much as I despise “rating” people, on only fans you’re going to see whatever you think a 5 is making product where they look like a 7 by whatever arbitrary standard is in play.

Plus, since it takes both confidence and the willingness to put oneself out there, OF models self select for people that at least look good on camera. You’re not going to run into as many “plain” looks as you would out here in meat space.

There’s no tags for that kind of thing, no way to really know ahead of time if a given model is going to fit your idea of average or not. You gotta just sort through it.

That’s actually true of anything where the terms you’d use to look it up are super common in multiple contexts, you just have to cast a wide net and winnow out

At my age, a good back rub

Eh, it’s alright.

But we gotta be honest here, both vaginal secretions and semen are thin snot. They may have different trace components but they’re snot. Mucous. Bottom boogers. It’s proteins suspended in water with tiny amounts of random stuff.

You get variances, yeah, but the bulk of the actual flavor is like gelatin. It’s kinda neutral.

Diet can make it taste more or less neutral but if it tastes bad, it’s a good time to talk to a doctor, just in case.

There’s a limit to how much the actual taste can go.

At the great end, you get something tangy with hints of umami and a touch of sweetness. At the bad end (but healthy) you get something like egg whites that are over salted and metallic. But it’s still not even the level of flavor you get out of something like seltzer with fruit juices.

Plus, there’s a limit to how reliable it is. The monthly cycle changes the taste a lot. You can sometimes tell a difference across a day, so when it’s days to weeks, good luck predicting.

Well, between the internet and real life, you can kinda guesstimate.

Irl, between partners and patients, I’ve seen a good amount of labia. Add in what you can run into online without even needing to look, and that’s a decent sized sample. And I’ve gone looking lol.

On average, it’s not really a clear and clean delineation though. Innie and outie implies that there are clear cut definitions of either. They’re both slang terms though, so even if we come up with a usage for this, it might not hold for anything else. That being said, I’d draw that line where enough labia minora protrudes that it/they can be folded or otherwise do more than just be visible.

With that in mind, I’d say it’s roughly equal. If you limit the definition to the labia minora not being visible without extra effort (as in spreading the labia majora to expose them), then “innies” are rarer.

I’ve never run across anyone that had no labia minora. I’ve seen some that amounted to no more than a very thin ridge, barely visible and difficult to feel, but still present.

I’d also say the the most common configuration would be where perhaps as much as a quarter inch of minora protrudes with no extra effort involved, while standing or laying flat.

But, even that has to be taken with a grain of salt since people willing to share pictures of their genitals don’t necessarily represent all configurations equally. And, it’s not like I went around measuring labia or anything like that, it’s just visual impressions from memory.

Take something like prioritizing household resources. Maybe I’m in favor of repairing a toilet, she’s in favor of repairing a door to a bathroom. Both function, but to a bare minimum. They both take extra effort to make viable, and the repair is going to be roughly the same cost.

We’d sit down and just talk, explain why one or the other makes more sense as the priority. In this example, I’d likely talk about the chances of future repairs if the toilet isn’t fixed first. She might argue that the door not closing well makes the room colder, and thus encourages the water being hotter, which costs more energy.

We’d price out things, see if there was a clear path to one being faster than the other, if we can do the work or not, etc.

If we can’t find a reason that one is better than the other, we just agree to fall back to picking one arbitrarily. Flip a coin, play a game for who decides, whatever.

That’s the basic process, and an example of a real disagreement (though we figured out that the toilet was a higher priority because of what was wrong, and didn’t need to go further).

Damn, I’m not sure.

Not that this is nsfw territory, you could have asked this anywhere, and we’ve never argued over anything sexual.

I wanna say the last time we had an actual argument, as opposed to talking something out, it was about smoking. I was trying to quit, and was grumpy as fuck all. This placed strain on even the most minor of things, so we were both stressed as hell.

The argument was after she brought me a cigarette and stated I had my ass on my shoulders, and I needed to either have a damn smoke, or she was going to lose her shit. Paraphrased, she said it much nicer than that.

But, my rebuttal was about the difficulty added to the process of quitting when you’re in the same room and bed as someone that isn’t quitting.

It was this whole thing. The details are none of anyone else’s business, but it did get loud and heated. The conclusion was that I would seek medical assistance in quitting rather than trying to get through it by cutting down and then quitting entirely.

I did eventually quit, as did she. That was before covid that we argued, maybe 2017? Could have been earlier than that, I’m not good at tracking time. We quit in 2020ish. I quit then, she struggled for a while after. I went with chantix, she tried doing what I had done, only using vaping as her stopgap for tapering off.

Since then, nothing has come up that wasn’t resolved in a mutually respectful and controlled way. Intense discussions, absolutely, but not getting all het up and going at it.

It helps that I fucking hate arguing, and I was old enough when we met to have experience under my belt, and some good therapy. She hates arguing too, but was raised with arguing as the default, so didn’t have the same tools to keep herself centered and on track when dealing with conflict. Back before I had done therapy I was way worse about letting emotion drive my mouth.

I’m not saying we never get angry, or disagree. We do. But we just don’t let it get in the way of the love and mutual respect. So it never turns into an argument.

It also helps that we had plenty of time before we were in person to hash out a lot of issues. We’d an agreement on how to handle disagreements about the usual chaotic issues; money, kids, that kind of thing.

Treat it like a marathon. Hydration, lubrication, do a good warm-up, carboload the night before but skip a meal the day of. If you shit yourself or vomit, just keep going.

Well, this one is difficult to answer without going into details about past partners that are beyond what I’m willing to disclose. There’s specific stories involved, including personal details about their bodies and lives; those aren’t mine to give away.

That being said, I’m not a fan of anal. In my youth, I tried it a good bit because there was this idea that anal didn’t count as losing virginity. Then, years later, it would be the occasional thing where a new-ish partner would offer out in a way I wasn’t willing to decline. This was before I learned that it was okay to turn down offers like that.

Some women will indicate that anal can/should happen because they think that every man wants to do it, and either want to meet that standard, or want to give their partner something special. That second one is where I initially felt conflicted about turning it down.

So, back then, I would usually just not orgasm/ejaculate. I almost always used condoms anyway, so it wasn’t like it was obvious if I did or not.

It wasn’t until much later that I ran into someone that genuinely enjoyed anal for their own sake. And that makes a difference in how it feels, as well as the overall experience. When the woman is eager for it, enjoys the entire process, and wants another go at it after you recover, it becomes much more enjoyable. A partner that orgasms from anal is just different than someone that’s just taking it in the ass because they think they should.

Everything changes. Their movements, the sounds they make, how they approach leading into anal. If someone is into it, even the sensations of that first thrust change compared to someone that’s okay with it, but not into it for its own sake.

Now, I can’t say I’ve grown to love it. It’s still at the bottom (heh) of my list of places to put my penis. But when a partner is into it, I enjoy it and can reach orgasm as well. Which, enjoyment and reaching orgasm aren’t inherently tied together, as a tangent.

Well, that’s not really my thing, the whole servant thing, but I like thought experiments, so ima pretend.

Truth is, the way I’m feeling today, I’m going to have them give me a massage. I don’t even care if they’re naked, and the happy ending isn’t necessary. I just want a back rub lol.

However, since we’re having fun here, having them naked and using their entire body as part of the massage, that is a very fun thing that I experienced in the past, and would absolutely have my little sex monkey do again.

One of the benefits of being a big dude is that I can have even really big women use a lot of their mass behind a massage. Smaller women, I can handle walking on me. While that isn’t arousing for me, the whole submissive side of it, it feels fucking awesome. Even really strong guys can’t get as much pressure onto your back with their as someone walking on it.

So, a nice naked rub down that’s primarily focused on the actual message part, with a little extra fun involved? That would be lovely indeed.

Normally I’d skip this without answering since I don’t use porn any more. But I used to, and I have an answer that ignores the letter of the question but may honor the spirit of it.

Back years ago, spoof porn existed. I had never cared much about porn in terms of what it was as long as the performers weren’t hamming it up sexually. You know, the over faked stuff.

But then I ran across the “this ain’t” series and it hit my absurdist funny boner. Enough so that after the intended purpose was served, I wouldn’t rush to hit the stop button like usual. I’d let whatever scene it was finish out, and then pick back up there the next time.

However, those days are past, and porn has almost entirely lost the ability to be enjoyable on any level, even with that kind of silliness involved.

But erotica? That’s different. A nice book, more particularly short story collections. I don’t even much care what the subject matter is, it’s about how the writers convey the ideas. It may or may not end up arousing, but it’s still more fun across the board than video based porn. Even bad erotica, or the really weird stuff is fine by me.

What’s really funny to me is that I used to write erotica, specifically custom erotica on commission. By the time the bottom dropped out of the custom fiction and custom erotica market, I was pretty meh about the field of erotica as a writer or reader.

But, I’m the opposite of someone with aphantasia. My inner movie screen is very vivid. To the extent that reading can provide me with visuals in my head as good as most movies, if I have quiet and time to sink in all the way. So, sometimes, erotica kind of is porn, if it’s a longer story. Doesn’t work as well with the short stories though.

Interesting user name.

So, I don’t use that kind of thing myself. Too much hassle, and expense, for my taste.

However, I know guys that do, and know them well enough to talk about this kind of thing. General consensus is that good toys really can reduce or eliminate the problems caused by death grip. Fleshlight is a reputable brand, and they are supposedly durable as well as providing a pleasant experience. Clones/knockoffs exist though, and the only complaint I’ve heard is that they don’t last as long before developing tears and cracks. So, if you wanted to try on out with minimum investment, you can just look for whatever’s cheapest and see if it helps.

Fwiw though, death grip is remediable without a toy. It just takes longer because the toy provides a similar intensity of sensation without the same pressure and friction. But I’ve never met anyone that took much longer than a month to at least reduce their death grip dependence without toys. Well, unless they had severe keratinization issues, but that’s a medical thing separate from death grip itself.

For anyone curious, keratinization occurs when, after circumcision, the head of the penis develops a type of callus, reducing sensation and potentially causing other problems. It’s also why some circumcised men develop a death grip in the first place.

Well, there’s not much in the way of published, clinical research on it, so you gotta be aware that there’s limits to how accurate anything can be.

The first thing to know is that people into sph don’t necessarily have a small penis. Most have average ones, just like most of any fetish will. Some have larger ones as well.

And that’s kinda telling. If someone that’s hanging low enjoys it, there’s obviously more to it than it being related to the penis itself

There’s a good bit of crossover between sph and aspects of bdsm. Humiliation, degradation, they can set off some wild brain chemistry. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, they all get pumping.

That’s what it boils down to with paraphilias. Something about it makes the person experience an intense reaction to stimuli. It doesn’t even have to be a good reaction in the broader idea of what’s good and bad. A lot of submissives report that the feelings of a session are essentially the same as those brought up by abuse, when those submissives have experienced both. It’s the intensity that matters.

The experience doesn’t even have to be sexual, though when it’s a proper paraphilia, it will be by definition. But there’s a ton of people that take part in dominance play where neither the goal nor the specifics are at all sexual. It’s about the feelings it causes, and the eventual release of tension.

Sph is just another way to enter what people call sub space. I can’t say much about it, because I’m not into that kind of thing. I’m neither a dominant nor a submissive in this regard. But it’s a fascinating part of human experience, and I’ve known people that are, so I’ve read up on things a good bit.

If you go and talk to people into it, I’d say that the majority are seeking a resolution of stresses. Since many men, and some women, worry about penis size, and society is currently in an era where big ones are erroneously seen as an indicator of specific other traits; it can become a focus of all kinds of anxiety. I suspect that in a culture where larger ones were viewed negatively, you’d see large penis humiliation exist more than sph. As it is, large penis humiliation does exist, it’s just much rarer.

The specifics of sph do often hinge on a controlled resolution of feelings of inadequacy though. That’s why people with massive penises can still partake and enjoy sph. It’s about the mind, not the body.

For that segment of people, having their fear of actual humiliation happen in a controlled setting is kind of an exposure therapy that turns into a kink. The worst is happening, so they can give up control, and give up the fear with it. That’s a powerful thing.

Nothing wrong with you.

After “the fappening” I rapidly lost interest in pornography in general, to the extent that it is very often a turn off. Not always, because there are some people that freely share themselves, and that bypasses what bothers me about porn. And, I still very much enjoy erotic art, be it visual or written.

Most of the porn out there is made for money, and it shows in the product. You get low quality crap that wears thin eventually that’s part of why people tend to start seeking more extreme porn. Higher quality porn takes longer to get worn out on, and when the low quality stuff already chases more extreme features, the road to excess is slippery.

But a chat with another person? Sharing sexual content directly with the intent that that person enjoy it, even if they’re anonymous? That’s porn gold, whether it’s fully text based or includes visuals. It feeds a different hunger. A hunger for meaningful sexualized contact.

Whether we like it or not, the “dirtier” language gets, the more change it brings to the interaction. This isn’t a bad thing. It can be a very good thing. But it may not be the thing you need, it may not feed the right hunger, and your subconscious is likely telling you that.

Which, I even consider porn part of that, though I’m less confident in my opinion there. Because porn has shifted so much over the decades since it started to be readily accessible (vhs started the shift, and it went fast as the internet took over), the kind of fake performances that become the norm for quickly made and distributed product etch themselves into our brains.

So, when someone says “oh, fuck my tight little pussy”, it’s impossible to take it at face value. If you’ve used porn at all over the last thirty years, things like that become associated with the fakeness of porn. It’s not that people in real life don’t talk like that, they can and do. It’s more that as time passes, it becomes more likely they’re saying it because they heard it in porn first. So it feels fake, even if it’s perfectly genuine; even if the reason they’re using it is due to it it turning them on because it’s a porn thing.

And, gods, so much porn is over the top to begin with. It’s inorganic, so there’s always the awareness that real sex isn’t like that. You don’t just shove a ten inch long, two inch thick cock into an anus with no prep work. When that’s the standard, where it isn’t really sex, it’s a special effect (not literally, butt still), our minds notice.

Once you start feeling all that fakeness, even making a nice video for someone else becomes part of this artificiality.

My advice? Invest in some written erotica. Make your brain shift over to thinking sexy without a link to images. See if that “resets” things. Or try just fantasizing. I dunno how old you are, but us older folks, porn was a rarity. You might find an old playboy, or penthouse, just enough to give you the idea of what the anatomy was like, and then you’d have to imagine the rest. But if you weren’t lucky in regards to access, you made do just with ideas.

It isn’t better than porn, it isn’t some morally superior thing. But it’s different. The mind is our most potent erogenous zone, and the more you rely on it, the more free you are to choose to use porn rather than just chasing it. It’s like the cardiovascular workout of sex. If your mind game isn’t A tier, everything else suffers.

Worst case scenario, you try switching to written erotica and/or fantasy, and nothing changes. You aren’t any worse off. But it may give you the reset you need to find joy in sexuality again

It can be, yeah.

Ex porn performers tend to report a lot of exploitation in their working lives. Since many of them are exposed to abuse on the job, and there’s a built in culture of addiction increasing activities, it amplifies abuse and exploitation.

That being said, professional porn is voluntary. So there’s an upper limit to how exploitative it can be. But that upper limit is very disturbing. Enough so that finding any professional porn that isn’t exploitative is difficult, and even the companies that do fairly ethical porn aren’t perfect.

But, any idiot can make porn, and very often that’s the easiest to find. With that kind of thing, there’s not even the usual word of mouth to avoid the bad makers because they’re looking for desperate performers they can use quick and make whatever small profit they can. I’m not talking about people filming their own sex, it’s an individual or small group recruiting local people for it, with false promises, and not even following up on those promises.

Like that one group that would recruit women, typically 21 and under, promising that the videos would only be distributed overseas, with their plan being to distribute everywhere. Outright lying. Can’t remember the name of their “company”, but it was in the news a few years ago.

It’s gotten to the point that if you worry about the porn being ethically made, you have to do research, and most people don’t do that, and won’t. They’ll either ignore the problems, or just stop using porn. The vast majority will just ignore the problems. Which is fine, it is legal and voluntary, so there’s no obligation to do anything other than avoiding CP and real rape stuff. Nobody has to care about anything beyond that, it’s a personal choice.

And that applies to the specific segments you asked about. Barely legal is still legal, and it an adult, no matter how short a time they’ve been one, wants to make porn, that’s their right. And it is a right as it falls under body autonomy. Other aspects of porn aren’t a right, but to make one, yeah, it is; it’s when you start distributing it or sharing it, or selling it that it crosses from right into something able to be regulated.

Which, by extension, it doesn’t matter who watches what.

For one thing, if we’re going to be aroused by other people having sex, it’s supposed to be other adults. There’s no functional difference when the performer is 23 or 18. They’re an adult, they get the choice to perform or not. And, it is directly normal to be aroused by the bodies of people that have achieved adult development. It may or may not be socially acceptable to do something about that arousal, but that’s a separate issue from our bodies and brains being “coded” to respond to sexually mature bodies.

There’s no magic aura around people that says what age they are, and if they’re not within a specific adult age range, our bodies and brains ignore them. The performers made a choice to make their bodies and performances available for the purposes of arousal, so there’s no dilemma based on the age of the audience or performers. That’s what it’s for. We’re all free to choose what kind of porn we consume, or to not consume.

Also, it isn’t just older men. Some of us old fucks don’t use porn, and plenty of women of all ages do enjoy porn with younger performers. Yeah, it’s a huge difference in numbers, but the gender of the viewer is irrelevant to the ethics of porn.

Seriously, the idea that age is supposed to be some kind of automatic barrier to what you’re aroused by is just dumb. We’re riding around these meat machines, and they’re built to respond to certain cues. Among those cues are the signs of probable fertility. This means that the majority of the human race is going to be aroused primarily to other humans from the late teens to the late thirties/early to mid forties This is separate from any social limits around what we can do about that arousal.

That, btw isn’t to say that anyone with gerontophilia is somehow bad. Ain’t nothing that says you have to limit yourself upwards in age.

So, I have zero issue with anyone enjoying any legal pornography. I don’t even object to other people not caring about the ethics of the porn they use, as long as it isn’t kids or an act of rape on film. And I mean a real rape, not a performance of rape with performers consenting to the act for the purposes of filming.

Shit, when it comes to porn, as long as the performers are of a reasonable legal age, idgaf if they look adult or not. Just because it’s a turn off for me doesn’t mean those performers that are visually underdeveloped for their age shouldn’t have the same freedoms as anyone else. I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t keep a damn close eye on someone that was specifically looking for only that branch of porn, but as long as the performers are at least 18, they can, and should be able to, choose their form of employment no matter what their body looks like.

But, being real, I have developed a bit of a personal block about porn. I just don’t like the ethics of the industry, even the good companies that go the extra mile to ensure performers are treated well. I had known about those ethical issues long before it started to bother me, but since they were all consenting adults, that was enough for me to make use of it on occasion. But somewhere in my late thirties, it started being something I had trouble ignoring.

Then, the “fappening” happened and it really pissed me off. It made all the problems I have with porn impossible to ignore, to the point that even if I know the people on screen were in total control of everything, there’s that nagging voice I’m my head saying “yeah, but”. And that “but” is that the industry as whole is broken ethically. That voice is loud enough that porn stopped being arousing to me, damn near entirely, with the exception being when it’s people I know that are sharing it with me directly (or did so) because they enjoy doing so as a source of fun for themselves. Which is more common than you’d think.

But, again, that’s me. What other people do and enjoy is none of my damn business, so long as the basic criteria of a reasonable age of consent is present, and the acts on screen are consented to.

True, but if I’m doing that, there’s still a matter of motivation.

Why would I do that? Who are they that I’m willing to take unnecessary medication or partially bind my privates?

It isn’t impossible, just not feasible

Hypothetically, or in reality?

Because I’m sure I could come up with (heh) situations where I’d be willing. But they aren’t realistic.

Here, in the real world, I’ve gotten offers from dudes that were absolute smoke shows. Of pretty much all types, though I usually got more bears, otters, and twinks overall. I’ve never been sucked off by a guy.

But I don’t have some kind of moral objection to it. It also doesn’t gross me out or anything, I’ve seen it happen to other guys in person, and it’s just meh. Doesn’t turn me on, doesn’t bother me.

I’m not sure I could maintain an erection long enough though. For me, part of what works is being fully engaged with a partner. Sight, sound, scent, touch, taste, the whole sensory involvement. And guys don’t arouse me (unfortunately). Again, I’ve had hot guys make serious passes, and there’s no spark in my brain that turns the arousal cycle on.

Like, get it hard, then the man lays lips on it? Yeah, I could make that happen, I’m sure. But going through the entire session? I don’t think so. Maybe if I kicked back and stayed deep in fantasy, but that never works out with women, so why would it with guys? If I try to fantasize during head with women, it distracts me too much, and I lose interest. Like I said, I work best with full sensory engagement; it’s why I’m not usually super into head on the receiving end. I like it, don’t get me wrong, but it takes the right situation for it to go beyond foreplay and into an event.

But, maybe I’m wrong, and it would work fine, I dunno but I don’t have the interest to try.

Money wouldn’t help make it happen, but if it was for money, it would be with the same caveat that the dollar amount would be huge.

I know, I’m no fun. But it takes more than just genital stimulation to keep my interest. If that’s all I want, I’d rather just masturbate than use someone like a sex toy. That just isn’t my thing

Okay people, remember that this was asked for.

A long time ago, I worked for a dude that was a royal prick. But he was funny sometimes, and he told me about a pickup line he had used successfully. It sounded like bullshit but it was funny bullshit, so exaggerated that nobody would ever go for it, or even think you were serious in the first place.

I’m getting to it, but I rarely tell this story, and I’m old and bored, so I’m taking mt damn time.

So, a few years later, I’m out at a party. One of those friend-of-a-friend deals where I don’t really know anyone at all, but we know of each other in general through the network of mutual connections. So, not totally random people, but it was a big enough party that very few people knew more than a few others.

I’m shooting the bull, making some bank with my favorite party bets, which tend to draw a crowd. A little while of that, and I’ve got a pocket full of cash, a new camera, and a bottle of bourbon.

Now, I’m not a drinker. A quart of bourbon will last me years, assuming I don’t give it to friends. But you win a fifty dollar bottle (back in the nineties before bourbon got super crazy), it’s a good idea to open it and share it with the guy you won it from and the rest of the crowd. But I had two fingers worth, and I’m a lightweight because I’m not a regular drinker.

So, as I’m sipping along and enjoying the vibe, a lady comes up and asks my name.

That pickup line popped in my head, and came out of my mouth before the booze would let me think.

I said, “I’m real name, I’m from my town, I like peanut butter, and I like to fuck, how about you?”

And holy hell, the words came out and my balls drew up because they thought they were getting kicked.

But, nope, I was lucky. Her response was “at the same time? I guess I’ll try anything once.”

And it was on. A perfect storm of two slightly tipsy, utterly absurd people mutually attracted to each other.

And yes, we borrowed some peanut butter from the host and gave it a shot. Just gonna say, it’s okay on boobs, but I would not recommend it anywhere else, and if you value long felatio sessions, do not let anyone try it that way. Let’s just say choking hazard and leave it at that.

This did embolden me to try the line a few more times over the years, when I thought that someone might appreciate the absurdity of it.

I’m not saying it’s a great line to use, it isn’t. I am saying that when it works, it works very well. I’m also saying that if you’re going to try it, be quick on the dodge, because you’d be amazed how fast a drink or slap can reach you if you read the room wrong.